I think I can safely speak for the world when I say you and Anna have had their day, and that day is OVER. It was all fun and games, love between sisters etc., and then everyone got to truly understand what it means to play marketing hardball and make a bazillion dollars cold cash off a bunch of sucker parents. I was one of them, but now it is time for you, girl, to go down. I am D-O-N-E, Elsa, with your unrealistic and unattainable lifestyle and your hard-to-hit-the-notes song. I’m walking away from your Lord of the Rings rip-off named town (something-dale) and I’m taking my 4 year-old with me. You may have been part of the most profitable movie of all time but I’m still winning at Frozen resistance. This is why:
- I do not have to second-hand watch your movie anymore.
Lucky for me, my son stuffed a bunch of credit cards into the disc drive of our computer, so Frozen has been out of the game for a while. We can’t watch any other DVD, but it’s WORTH IT.
- My daughter now thinks that you are sort of lazy.
When my daughter wanted to be you in every way, she would use you as an excuse to not do pretty much everything I told her. It wouldn’t have been a problem if you could have done me a solid and just wore a coat once in freezing weather, or brushed your teeth on screen, or brought your dish to the sink after you ate, or wore some sensible pants under your dress, or wore non-royalty-style pajamas. But no. Instead, this escalated until I had to break it to my daughter that you were not real and she probably wouldn’t have a superpower to freeze things when she grew up. What really broke the camel’s back, though, was when she refused to put on snowpants and my mom said, “Elsa’s an idiot!”. She took it upon herself to inform my daughter that when you are a queen you don’t do anything for ANYBODY EVER. You don’t clean up, you don’t wash dishes, nothing. You are just the most selfish person ever. This made an impression on my daughter because she asked about it a lot afterwards. Contrary to her daily interactions with her brother, she cares about fairness in theory a lot.
- Minus the Frozen DVD, I have successfully resisted all other Frozen purchases.
I guess you could say this is my superpower. Because ever single place that we go to for running errands has something to buy that has to do with Frozen. Why is there a braided wig in the pillow section of Bed Bath and Beyond? This marketing machine is ruthless. The only place I haven’t witnessed Frozen merch is Whole Foods, but I’m pretty sure they are coming out with an Elsa supplement soon that stays cold all the time and contains yet another nutrient you had no idea you were deficient in.
At this point, I know you are feeling pretty humbled, Elsa. Not many have risen against you, but they will. For now, here’s one motha who ain’t yo friend no more.