No Elsa, I’m the One That’s Winning

I think I can safely speak for the world when I say you and Anna have had their day, and that day is OVER. It was all fun and games, love between sisters etc., and then everyone got to truly understand what it means to play marketing hardball and make a bazillion dollars cold cash off a bunch of sucker parents. I was one of them, but now it is time for you, girl, to go down. I am D-O-N-E, Elsa, with your unrealistic and unattainable lifestyle and your hard-to-hit-the-notes song. I’m walking away from your Lord of the Rings rip-off named town (something-dale) and I’m taking my 4 year-old with me. You may have been part of the most profitable movie of all time but I’m still winning at Frozen resistance. This is why:

1. I do not have to second-hand watch your movie anymore.

Lucky for me, my son stuffed a bunch of credit cards into the disc drive of our computer, so Frozen has been out of the game for a while. We can’t watch any other DVD, but it’s WORTH IT.

2. My daughter now thinks that you are sort of lazy.

When my daughter wanted to be you in every way, she would use you as an excuse to not do pretty much everything I told her. It wouldn’t have been a problem if you could have done me a solid and just wore a coat once in freezing weather, or brushed your teeth on screen, or brought your dish to the sink after you ate, or wore some sensible pants under your dress, or wore non-royalty-style pajamas. But no. Instead, this escalated until I had to break it to my daughter that you were not real and she probably wouldn’t have a superpower to freeze things when she grew up. What really broke the camel’s back, though, was when she refused to put on snowpants and my mom said, “Elsa’s an idiot!”. She took it upon herself to inform my daughter that when you are a queen you don’t do anything for ANYBODY EVER. You don’t clean up, you don’t wash dishes, nothing. You are just the most selfish person ever. This made an impression on my daughter because she asked about it a lot afterwards. Contrary to her daily interactions with her brother, she cares about fairness in theory a lot.

3. Minus the Frozen DVD, I have successfully resisted all other Frozen purchases.

I guess you could say this is my superpower. Because ever single place that we go to for running errands has something to buy that has to do with Frozen. Why is there a braided wig in the pillow section of Bed Bath and Beyond? This marketing machine is ruthless. The only place I haven’t witnessed Frozen merch is Whole Foods, but I’m pretty sure they are coming out with an Elsa supplement soon that stays cold all the time and contains yet another nutrient you had no idea you were deficient in.

At this point, I know you are feeling pretty humbled, Elsa. Not many have risen against you, but they will. For now, here’s one motha who ain’t yo friend no more.

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7 Tips for Terrible Homemakers from a Terrible Homemaker

I’m pretty sure being a good homemaker is not hereditary because my grandmother gets up at 4 am to iron the sheets when she has guests at her house. I am still at the stage where I attempt to make a flat-looking folded fitted sheet and just end up with the “ball fold.” By the way, I trademarked this fold so you have to pay me 35 cents every time you use it. 4am is also the hour I associate with the most lonely, dark time of the entire day, so I would never voluntarily wake up at this time. I used to think about it a lot, walking around with my daughter in the stroller outside, that all the partiers had gone home, and even the early risers wouldn’t be up for another hour so if I died no one would find me for a while. Did I mention I’m not a morning person? Aside from ironing, I also suck at pretty much all housekeeping duties, even the basic ones. But, no need to despair fellow moms not having anyone over because people expect you to know these things. I know some tricks!

1. Stay away from the Internet when you are cooking: The interweb does not understand that you can’t burn dinner. It only wants to own your soul. So don’t even check your email because 50 minutes later you end up looking at non-working slideshow of celebrities who have “spouses with surprisingly humble jobs” and that meal/tea kettle/cutting board you left on the burner is toast. And everyone is hungry!

2. Find a Cooking Blog That Suits You: If it is not making your life easier, it’s just for fantasizing. This is called “Food Porn.” Totally ok in moderation, but someone has to go shopping tomorrow at preferably one store. Steer clear of ones that end an explanation of a 25 hr pretzel recipe with “I just had 2- don’t tell my fiancé!” This blogger is an ambitious young lady who has an unbelievable amount of time on her hands, thinks that eating two pretzels is a large amount, and has no idea what is coming to her. Her life in no way resembles your own.

3. Appear to accept help and advice: Some of my friends and family are good, motivated, thoughtful homemakers. They have noticed some gaping holes in my skills and truly want to help. I love them, and I love that they want to help, but I am a hopeless mess. Still, I don’t want them to think I can’t be fixed. So I let them organize and feng shui my house because it really is nice to have it look good for 13 hours. And I really appreciate that they think I could change. Every once in a while something sticks.
4.  Get kitchen items that keep track of things for you. Some good options: timers, a kettle that goes off automatically, and an overly  attentive/worried husband. After I very solidly torched 3 teakettles, a kettle that turns off when heated changed my life. Before I met my husband I burned every single pan of oatmeal. Now I burn half. Winning!
5. Catch yourself off-guard by doing a cleaning or cooking tornado: Unfortunately, reading about organizing is not the same as getting organized. I hate to drop you down hard in reality, but you did not just clutter-bust your house while reading this post, it just feels that way. So you have to get crazy when you’re waiting for like someone getting on their shoes, or for water to boil, or for any customer service person to answer your call. Then one tiny corner will be clean. No one else will notice, but you will feel a little less stressed when you pass by it and not even know why.
6. Make an “I Did All This Shit” list instead of a “To do” list: I love, love to make To Do lists. It’s the best. I feel so useful and organized. But I never really complete much of them and seeing them around unfinished is SUCH a buzz kill. Props to my sister for giving me this tip- write down what you did instead of what you won’t. Even if it says “picked up piece of unknown game no one cares about 6 times.” Way more satisfying than an unchecked list with lots of time-sensitive and necessary things on it. Trust me.
7. Ignore all advice and criticism: If none of these seem possible, and people still be hatin,’ just remember: a charred taste adds dimension to a dish, and there is a certain number of drinks after which people will stop judging your cooking and cleaning.