How to Spot a First-Time Mom

I know. Maybe you think this is obvious. She has one baby, right? Easy. But. Sometimes I go out in disguise as a first-time mom and people not so hip to these signs give me first-time-mom looks, and first-time-mom comments, and well, I just play along because its better than someone saying “I hope you’re stopping at two!” I stare at new moms a lot, much like they must look at single women in their twenties and think of the easy life, but any hack can recognize a first timer with these 4 telltale signs.

1. Her diaper bag is ENORMOUS:

Basically, is it questionably carry-on size? Could she easily hide the baby in it? Could her baby and her survive on the contents for 3 days or more in any weather condition? Yes to all three? First timer to the core. In comparison, our diaper bag has actually been missing for a week (no biggie), and the last time I changed a diaper out in the world it was with a wet paper towel and a lucky diaper I found at the bottom of my purse.

2. Her baby is wearing an “outfit”:

Just think about you shopping for baby clothes while pregnant. Or your young hip friends shopping for your baby shower. That newborn size baseball cap is the cutest! Jeans on babies- The Best! Multiple-piece tiny adult-style outfits? Perfect. Buttons and snaps in unnecessary places? OMG. Buy that NOW. The thing is, even when it doesn’t seem logical to force them to wear all the impractical things you bought, the desire for cuteness is really strong with your first baby. To be fair, there are some particularly motivated 2^nd timers out there. That said, my son exclusively wore zippered footie jammies for the first 3 months of his life. Hot tip for later: if you really want to seem like an insider to an experienced mom, you should find some way to work “zippered footie jammies” into your conversation.

3. She is also wearing an “outfit”:

Since you are seeing her out in public, during the day, with her baby, (I’m going to assume you just didn’t happen to be in the ice cream aisle at 3 am on a Tuesday) she is not the mom who has opted for the disposable t-shirt and yoga pants. Which means she is from the fight-this-looking-like-a-mom-shit-like-crazy camp. She’s optimistic, she’s bouncing back, she has some friends she wants to prove wrong. She’s trying. I was bonding with a 2^nd time mom about how having two kids limits your movement in the world. I said, “We didn’t leave the house for 2 months!” hoping if this wasn’t true for her she would think it was a joke, and she said very seriously, “We didn’t either.” Immediately her 3 year old daughter confirmed, “We would wake up in our jammies, we would wear them all day, and we would go to bed in our jammies.” Ditto, girlfriend. This was mainly why no one ever saw any of my sweet trendy outfits.

4. She has a not-ready-for-kids-yet supportive friend hanging out with her:

This friend probably has a dog with her if they’re on a walk, she is responding well to her stories, and she says, “See ya, Momma!” when they part ways. The reason 2^nd time moms don’t have this friend is that by the time they have their second, the friend has either become a mom herself or she has decided she doesn’t want to participate in this madness anymore. Which everyone understands completely.